Racecar Beds and Rat Poison
by Lolerskatez
Summary: Sometimes, it takes a sleezy redhead to see who really matters. OlettexSoraxLarxene with slight LarXel. AU


**Disclaimer:: **Oh, I _totally _own Kingdom Hearts! Just like I own the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus!

**Warning::** There are crack!pairings practically radiating off this thing.

* * *

_Today is the day. I'm gonna do it. There's nothing stopping me today!_

_... But just in case, I'll_ _make sure first…_

_Let's see… Hair? Spiky as ever! Clothes? No stains and… eh, they don't smell _that _bad. Over-all? Sexy as hell! Now all that's left-!_

The hyper-active brunette's thoughts were interrupted by the door to his small bedroom being busted open by a familiar blonde woman. An _older _blonde woman.

"Sora, what the hell are you doing posing in front of that mirror?" Larxene said, giving him a look. She walked over to him and gave him a noogie. "You some kind of model, huh? You think you're a model?"

"Cut it out, Larxene!" Sora whined, freeing himself from the older woman's grip. They were standing about two feet away from each other, and he could see that Larxene was still in her pajamas. Sora blushed involuntarily.

"Hm? What's wrong with you?" The blonde said, arching an eyebrow at him. Her eyes suddenly shifted from Sora's reddening face to his death grip on something behind his back. "Hey, what's th-?"

"I'm going to work, bye!" The brunette yelled, bolting out the door without any other words.

"What the-! Hey, dumbass!" Larxene stuck her head out the window and yelled as the brunette mounted his cherry red Vespa and became a disappearing brown dot in the streets. "Bring back some bread and Coors Lite! We're running low!"

That was a typical morning in Sora's life. Get up from his racecar bed that smelled like pancakes for whatever reason (not that he minded), have his plans to confess his love to his roommate, Larxene, foiled while simultaneously being attacked by that blonde ballerina, and then end up telling his boss all about it while she was cooking up the next order for him to give to the customers in the bistro.

"And I had the perfect thing planned, too!" The brunette complained, swinging his feet back and forth as he sat on the stainless steel counter. "She just had to go and ruin it by barging in like she owned the place!"

Olette, not looking up from her frying pan as she sautéed some onions, merely said, "Uh, Sor, she _does _own it, in case you forgot."

"W-well," he stuttered. "I pay half the rent, so I think I rightfully deserve to own half of the flat!"

"Rent? Sora, she _owns _it. There is no rent. And get off the counter and get to work. That's coming out of your pay."

"What??" He yelled, practically falling off the counter. "You barely pay me minimum wage! Aren't there laws out there to protect me from this kind of managerial abuse?"

"Yes, but in here, my word is law, and right now it's telling you to _work._"

"But-!"

"Each minute you spend back here doing absolutely nothing productive is coming out of your pay. Ignore the terrible pun, Sora, but chop chop!"

The waiter grumbled and picked up the empty tray. He was _not _in a good mood. Even without looking up from her meticulously made veggie burger, the chef knew the customers were going to leave lousy tips. Then she'd have to hear about _that_, too.

It wasn't that Sora was a bad guy or anything, he was just really _annoying_ with all of his problems. The first couple times, the green-eyed girl had sympathized with him, and even offered him some advice. Bad idea. Now, whenever the smallest thing went on in the boy's life, she'd have to hear about it, melodramatic hand gestures and all.

Of course… There was always _one _person who liked to hear about the daily dramas in the theatrical Sora's daily dramas. And if her watch was right, she should be coming in right…

"Olette~ Where are you~? The Princess has a_rri_ved!"

Now.

The brunette girl chuckled to herself. Everyday at exactly 12:40, Kairi von Theissen, self-proclaimed socialite and town gossip, sashayed into The Usual Spot and sat down at the counter and ordered a small chocolate malt and a veggie burger. Everyday at exactly 12:40, she'd listen to Sora's tribulations and give him the worst advice imaginable. And everyday at 12:40, he'd eat it up like a starved prisoner.

And did Olette try and stop this?

Of course not. It was much to fun to watch.

"Sora, go take the Princess her order." Olette put the usual order on the tray and watched as he nodded, still sullen about his woes, and delivered the tray of food to the auburn haired woman and sat down next to her. She watched their inaudible exchange as Kairi's expression changed from one of worry, to shock, and then to sympathy. Sora seemed to perk up as Kairi went on talking, and then-

"THAT'S IT!! KAIRI, YOU'RE A FREAKING GENIUS!!"

Huh, there was a first…

Olette's brow furrowed as Sora vigorously shook the socialite's hand and bolted out the door. The brunette woman walked over to the customer, wiping her hands with a towel as she watched the suddenly hyper-active brunette waiter hop on his red Vespa and zoom off.

"What'd you tell him, anyway?" Olette asked.

Kairi took a sip of her malt and just smiled. "I just simply told him to use his talents!" Olette was a bit surprised at this. For once, Kairi von Theissen had actually given Sora Campanelli _good_ advice.

Huh, _another_ first. Looks like today wasn't going to be an ordinary day for any of them. As the blue-eyed aristocrat took a bite out of her burger, the chef's green eyes just happened to glance down at her own watch.

"… Ah, his shift isn't over. Looks like that's coming out of his pay."

* * *

"Larxene!" The brunette called out as he took off his helmet and shook his hair back into place. "Larxene, where are you?" Did she have a meet today? No, if she did, she would've left before he was awake. Something was up. Sora searched the flat, realizing how small and vulnerable he felt. That's when his mind started to assume the worst. What if something had happened to her? What if she was hurt? What if she was-?

His thoughts were interrupted for a second time that day by a door busting open, followed by the blonde's piercing cackle. Sora immediately perked up and ran to the door like a puppy waiting for its master to come home. In a way, that's exactly what it was. Larxene had the poor brunette boy wrapped around her finger, and she didn't even know it. Sora did anything and everything for her, even though he knew that he was just a little brother type figure. Nothing less, but nothing more, either. Sora wasn't the type to back down from a challenge, however. He concocted ways to make the untouchable blonde goddess his own, but every time, she'd find some way of involuntarily poking holes in his plan.

But not today. Today was the day, and he just _knew _it. Today was the day that he was going to run up to his flaxen haired nymph and tell her.

"Larxene!" The brunette said as he ran to the door. "I have something I need to tell you! I-!" He stopped short, completely floored.

"So I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7?" A redhead was leaning over the ballerina, a smile on his face like he had some kind of secret that she was in on. "We'll go down to the pier and-"

Larxene cut him off by putting her finger to his lips. "Quiet, Axel. Can't you see there's a child in the room?" She motioned over at Sora with her head. The redhead's bottle green eyes seemed to light up.

"So before you robbed vending machines, you robbed cradles, huh? That's hot," the redhead, Axel said, the same, creepy smile on his face.

"Yeah, well the child thinks it's time you left because you look like a pervert. Bye!" Sora said all too quickly as he pushed Axel out the door and slammed it in his face.

"What the hell was that for??" Larxene screeched. Sora whipped around, turning red not from blushing, but rather from seething.

"Who was he?" Sora asked, breathing heavily.

"He's just some guy I met!" Larxene walked up to him, staring him down with her icy gaze. "I'm sorry, why am I explaining myself to you again?"

Sora stared back into her eyes, his glare equally as cold. Now, everyone knew that Sora wasn't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, but for some reason, the cobwebs cleared and the rarely used gears in his mind suddenly clicked together. His cobalt eyes widened with the sudden revelation.

"What's with the face?" Sure, Larxene knew the kid was a hyper-active ball of ADHD, but now bipolar, too? This was ridiculous.

"I finally got it," Sora said, staring at his hands. "I can't believe I've been so stupid all this time!" He looked up at the blonde. "You don't love me. You could never love me!" The brunette laughed, nearly doubling over as he did so.

Larxene just blinked. "Sorry, I don't get the joke. You didn't eat some weird mushrooms while I was out, did you? Jesus Christ, you kids these days- Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going??" Sora had bolted past her and out the door mid-rant.

"I gotta go fix something!" was all the brunette said as he ran down the street.

* * *

"What am I doing wrong, Kairi?" Olette said, sitting at the counter next to the heiress to the von Theissen fortune. "Am I… Am I nothing compared to that Larxene girl?"

"With a face like that? Of course not!" Kairi assured her, but the brunette just sighed and took another sip of her Pepsi. "Lette, listen to me," she said. "He'll come around… eventually. You'll see! He'll come running through that door and you'll turn around and see him. He'll be panting since he ran all the way to see you. Then, your eyes will lock, and he'll walk over to you and sweep you into his arms!" Kairi was practically swooning at the thought. Olette laughed half-heartedly.

"Thanks, Kai," she said. "But I don't think that's going to work this time. I mean, I've tried _everything_! I've given him longer hours, I've docked his pay so much that he'll have to work overtime to make up for it, hell, I even got you here to help me! Nothing has worked, Kai." The green eyed chef rested her head on the counter. Kairi, sympathizing with her friend, just patted her on the back, for once, completely speechless.

"What's she got that I don't have?" Olette asked suddenly, catching the auburn haired girl off guard. "She's the epitome of _bad example_. She drinks like a man, and when she does that, she curses like a sailor!" Olette's green eyes were ablaze with some inner fire. "She's about as sweet as rat poison! What…" The brunette sunk into her chair, her voice breaking. "What does he see in her, Kai?" It hurt Kairi to see her friend like this, her strong, stable Olette, practically on the verge of tears.

All because of some dumbass.

"You know what?" The self-proclaimed princess said, standing up. "Forget him! Who needs a guy like that! You're too good for him if all he can talk about is Larxene this, Larxene that. I mean, you're right! Sure, she's a tu-tu frou frou, but she's a complete- What are _you_ doing here??" Olette looked up. Kairi had a dumbfounded look on her face.

"Kai, what's-?" Her question was answered when she was suddenly pulled out of her seat by a strong pair of hands and a pair of soft lips found hers. Olette's mind was completely blank as goose bumps ran up and down her arms. It was only after her captor pulled away from her that the chef realized who had kissed her.

"S-_Sora_?"

Neither the waiter who'd spent his life pining after an older woman or the chef who'd secretly loved her employee could hear Kairi exiting the bistro over the roar of their hearts racing in time together.

"Ah, I'm sorry!" Sora said, completely red in the face as he rubbed the back of his neck. "You can dock my pay if you want for that! I just thought- Uh, I guess I wasn't really thinking, was I? Ugh, why am I so stupid? I'll just leave n-"

"Sora, shut up, or it's coming out of your pay," Olette said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back into a kiss. Sora complied with his signature goofy grin and hugged her waist as their lips meshed together.

_So this is what loving someone who loves you back feels like_, Sora thought. _I could get used to this…_

* * *

**A/N::** Ahaha, I love crack!pairings. x] Don't they make life interesting? This was originally going to be a SoraxLarxene fic, but then I felt bad for Olette. Thus, the SoraxOlette crack!fic was born, and personally, I like it just a _little _better than the intended SoraxLarxene pairing. Thanks for reading! That's all, folks! :]

**Edit::** Thanks to Tellyounolies for pointing out a typo! n_n


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